I Shoulda Ben A Techa

I don’t know why I thought it was so funny at the time, but as I look back on it now I can’t even raise a chuckle. Must be the rainy weather. It’s about Alexandra, of course. Who else could make me stand on my head to get her to learn her science assignment?

She came home a week or so ago and calmly announced she had failed her 5th grade science test. However, the teacher was kind enough to offer her a 2nd try at this. I gave her the evil eye and told her that we were going to study her little behind off and she would know the stuff inside out before next Wednesday. (That’s the short story. We had to get through about two hours of how boring science is, and I can’t do it, don’t understand it, I’m going to pass or mom’s going to kill me besides she promisedmefivedollarsifIgotanA.)

So, off we go to the dining room table, and I try vainly to recall the biology I had mastered over twenty years ago (or was it thirty?) Her solution was to memorize the answers in order. I asked her how she knew the teacher used the same test again. Alexandra assured me this was the case (it wasn’t, isn’t and her teacher is not as dumb as Alexandra thinks).

So out came the pencils, and the scratch paper (bits and pieces out of the recycle bucket), and off we go trying to understand what made a plant cell different from a animal cell. Her study sheets even included an appropriately useless graphic that I couldn’t make hide nor hair of, even with comparing it to pictures on google.

After about three hours of scratching my head over her notes, her answers and how to get it between her ears, I discovered body parts. Yep, body parts. So here’s my solution to the “what makes a cell a cell, and other profound questions”.

Breath deep twice (ooooooohhhhhaaaaa…ooooooohhhhhaaaa.)

Beat your chest with your fist (THUMP! THUMP!)

Wiggle your fingers (wiggle wiggle wiggle)

Raise raise your arms high over your ears and wave (making like deer antlers).

Ready? GO! OOOOOHHHAAAAA OOOOHHHAAAAA THUMP THUMP WIGGLE WIGGLE WAVE WAVE WAVE!

Those are the answers, you just have to ask the following questions:

1) What do cells use chlorophyll for? (Respiration!)

2) What cells have small fingers that poke out? (Heart cells!)

3) What cells move your skeleton system around? (Muscle cells!)

40 What cells have long branches that poke out ? (Brain cells!)

Now… all together - OOOOOHHHAAAAA OOOOHHHAAAAA THUMP THUMP WIGGLE WIGGLE WAVE WAVE!

Well, it was funny at the time.

(P.S. She got a B.)