Favorite Family Recipe (Dateline November 2004)

If you have young children, you probably already know that they love to play in water. Any water. Dish water, bath water, cat bowl water, toilet water. Water is water. Way back in the dark ages when I only had two kids I used to let my two young daughters help wash the dishes. They would stand on a kitchen chair, one behind the other. The older (about 3.5 yrs old) would wash and rinse, and the younger (then about 2.5 yrs) would place them in the rack. They actually they did a pretty good job. But with the addition of two more children (under the age of five) within six months of each other life just got too complicated and the dish washing stopped. So in an effort to keep the kids entertained and promote fine motor skills I let the kids “help” me cook.

I don’t know about your kids, but my kids think cracking eggs is the epitome of a legal high. I’m not talking about the type of egg cracking where the yolk goes into one bowl and the shell goes into the garbage. I’m talking about the demolition derby of egg cracking where you wack the egg really hard on the side of the bowl. If nothing happens (and even if it does) wack the egg really fast 15 or 16 more times to ensure the egg is totally, completely cracked, then slide resulting mess into the cake batter.

My kids have also learned how to stir cake batter (using their fingers). (Needless to say, I stopped eating cake about 2 years ago).

All this reminiscing got me to thinking about favorite family recipes, and specifically favorite local recipes from Buckley. So here it is - my take on a favorite local recipe. I call it ”The Gummere Family toy car headless Barbie dirty finger and nasty dish water” recipe. Serves eight.

Pre-heat the oven to 2000 deg. C (if oven doesn’t go that high check with your local nuclear regulatory agency for any available ovens in your area).

Open favorite bottle of wine. Start drinking.

Get a large, empty, cat litter bucket (the kind that holds “scented” 40 lbs of multi-cat household cat litter). Rinse and set aside. Or not, depending on how many glasses of wine you’ve had…

Dig out your retired Marine husbands cache of black grease paint (you know, the kind that looks like shoe polish that he keeps it in the medicine cabinet “just in case”). If grease paint is not available use your favorite red lipstick (the kind you don’t have time to wear anymore but your 5 year old does). Grease bottom of cat litter bucket with it. Drink another glass of wine.

Have Child #1 (son #1) drag in large paper garbage bag of “paperwork” that he uses when he can coerce one of the other kids to hold a “meeting” with him. Take about 1/3 of paperwork and place in food processor. Add 2.5 cups of dirty dish water. Blend until lumpy and nasty. Pour into bucket. Return remainder of paperwork to son. Drink another glass of wine.

Have Child #2 (daughter #1) round up every headless Barbie doll in the house. You know the ones – the naked, headless dolls that have been colored with your black laundry marker. You know - the dolls that keep poking out from under the couch when the minister of your church drops over to actually witness you parenting six (6!) children at once.

Finish dismembering dolls. Place in food processor. Blend. If the blender breaks don’t worry – place in microwave until dolls melt. Scrape up, mix with all the toy cars you stepped on in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom and vowed to throw in the trash. Add one can diet Pepsi (the kind you never get to drink anyway as you keep getting taste testers who want “just one sip”.) As you are now suffering from acute dehydration anything you do cannot be held against you in Probate court. Stir. The batter will be lumpy. Don’t worry about it. Drink more wine.

Have Child #3 (daughter #2) bring in all the mate less socks in the house (probably because you waited two weeks to find the mate and then threw them out, only to discover the missing 15 socks two days later in the bottom of the toy chest with the local mouse population.) Cut off the toes. Place toe pieces directly into cat litter box. Discard remainder. Stir. No, not with your wine glass. What the hell…use your fingers.

Have Child #4 (daughter #3) daughter bring in a carton of eggs. Spread newspaper under cat littler bucket. Let #3 daughter practice her egg cracking skills and throw just the shells into the bucket, and place the yolk in a bowl. Nah… never mind…just put the whole egg (what’s left of it after the 15th crack) into the bucket. Wash child’s hands. Take picture of greatest smile in history. Kiss child. Call in Child #4. Drink rest of bottle of wine. Open new bottle.

Have Child #5 (son #2) brings in crayons. Have child put crayons in a microwavable bowl. Place in microwave. Cook for 8.5 minutes. Remove mess and dump (bowl and all) into bucket. Send son #2 to dry cleaners. Drink directly from bottle. Kick wine glass pieces under counter.

Have Child #6 (son #3) wave his arms around and say the magic word “Candy”. Watch child #6 laugh like a mad man and practice his favorite English word about 6 more times “Candy!” “Candy!” “CANDY CANDY CANDY CANDY!!””

Mix well, add canned cat food and beer to taste. Top off with your favorite bottle of wine (if there’s any left in the bottle.) If no wine, use beer. Make sure husband isn’t looking.

Close lid and shake. Place bucket in leaky barn (“garage”). Let ferment until spring (Please note - if you live in Michigan spring starts on July 4th). Turn off oven. (Think of it as an exercise in futility if you actually went looking for a 2000 deg C oven – at this stage of your life you will take any exercise you can get).

Let bucket ferment for at least six months. (By that time your wine cellar should be restocked). Have husband remove bucket from barn and place at least 20 yards from the house. Reposition bucket to the back yard, away from the line of sight of neighbor’s ducks. Do not open the bucket! Ok, maybe a peek. Just one peek. I SAID ONE PEEK! AND IF YOU THROW UP ON MY RECIPE PREPARE TO DIE!”

Now – get husband’s antique black power rifle. Aim carefully at center of bucket. Put down rifle. Remove husband from line of fire. Pick up rifle. Put down rifle. Remove child #1 from line of fire. Yes, you have to. Yes, even him. No it won’t be called an accident. No, jail is not quieter than your house….no, the food is not better….JUST MOVE THE KID!

Now – raise husband’s rifle. Aim carefully at the center of bucket. Fire rifle.

If nothing happens, fire again. And again. And again again again again again….until bucket either explodes and goes into orbit or neighbors call the Sheriff’s department.

Feel better! Good. Repeat again next November when the kids haven’t been out of the house for three days and the wine is gone and the minister is bringing along a social worker to view the naked headless Barbies under the couch and you just can’t take the noise anymore!!!

It just doesn’t get any better!

As always, love from Buckley.