USMC Instructions...(Dateline May, 2004)

USMC Instruction 12396.2a: Things you never, ever say to/about a Marine

#1 “My, that was very sweet” - Marines are not “sweet”. Marines are tough, competent, intelligent, hunky, but never, ever sweet! (Per my husband, resident expert, retired Marine and stay at home dad).

#2 “That was very diplomatic of you”. Wrong again. Marines are not diplomatic. It’s not in their training. They are straight forward, and direct. (Again, per the resident expert in my house. Ok, ok, maybe some are...mine isn't and this about him anyway.)

#3 “You didn’t really mean that, did you?” Nope, wrong again. They did mean it when they threatened to give the cat away to the next passing car. You know, the cat that threw up on the carpet (again) or dragged their nasty rears across your dining room table (because it’s the only way to get the cat litter out of secret cat places). If your Marine said it – he/she meant it. Of course, being Marines they know how to take orders. Being a retired Naval officer I know how to give them. (End of argument).

#4 “I made an appointment for your physical, and there are needles involved.” Never, never, never, nevernevernever tell a Marine about needles. They will endure war, snipers, dinner with Bin Laden and nasty stuff between their toes, but not needles. So, if you need to mention needles at any time during your relationship with a Marine - wait until the last minute. Because boy can they run (even after 12 years of retirement!)

#5 “Oh, you USED to be a Marine”. Wrong, wrong, and wrong again. They are deadly serious when they tell you “Once a Marine, always a Marine”. I don’t care if they were a Marine for one tour of duty 53 years ago, they are STILL Marines. Go ahead, ask one of them.

USMC INSTRUCTION 12396b: How you know the person living with you is a REAL Marine (and not some slacker):

#1) The hair cut. They may be the only guy in the neighborhood with a high and tight (besides your 6 year old son), but it’s the only haircut that doesn’t tickle their ears.

#2) The attitude. They may have retired eons ago, but the attitude of commitment, dedication and attention to detail never dies.

#3) They clean better than any one you ever met. They learn it in boot camp (we have the cleanest baseboards in Michigan). So kick back and enjoy it.

#4) They eat meat. Green stuff is for cows. How in earth can they stay mean and lean on cow food?

#5) They can still make that sound. You know the one…Urrrah. Hurra. Arrugh. Make that “ARRGGHHHH”. (This should get me some e-mail…)

To all the Marines reading this, I salute you. Mary (wife of a Marine and mom to the first female Commandant.)