Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (Dateline April, 2004)

I was lying in bed the other night with my four year old daughter watching TV, when a commercial came on that really caught her notice. It showed the Easter Bunny coming down the chimney with a huge bag of goodies. The Bunny landed in someone’s living room and proceeded to spread the gifts around (picture Santa Claus in a fuzzy pink and white suit). The next scene is of the family of four (boy, those were the days!) standing on the staircase, gazing in astonishment into the living room – watching this six foot bunny pass out Easter baskets, Easter candy, Easter froo froo, etc.

I’ve seen this commercial several times now and I’m not sure if the family is wondering how in hell the Easter Bunny got down the chimney or why the crazy beast thinks Easter is Christmas time. Of course, the caption being that this particular store has sooooo much stuff that Easter is now like Christmas. I beg to differ, but that’s a different story all together.

Needless to say this started one of “those” conversations with my almost 5 year old daughter:

Daughter: Mom, why did the Easter bunny come down the chimney?
Me: To get into the house.

Daughter: But what about houses that don’t have chimneys?
Me: Well, he probably knocks on the door.

Daughter: Well, who lets him in? How come I’ve never seen him?
Me: Because he (he?) comes at night when you are in bed and your dad lets him in.

Daughter: Oh, like the Tooth Fairy.
Me: Sort of.

Daughter: But what happens when you swallow your tooth, like Nicholas did?
Me: Well, you still get your quarter.

Daughter: But how does she know?
Me: Mommie and Daddy call her and tell her.

Daughter: Oh, but what if she’s busy?
Me: Then Mr. Tooth Fairy comes over, knocks on the door, and drops off the quarter.

Daughter: Oh. How come I’ve never seen him either.
Me: Because Mr. Tooth Fairy comes over when you are asleep. He comes over when Daddy is still up, they have a couple of beers, talks Marine stuff, Mr. Tooth Fairy leaves the quarter and then goes home.

Daughter: Oh.

I think it worked. At least for the next 12 hrs. But, life ain’t easy in my house. The next morning, trying to get five kids to eat cereal before going to school, the talk centered around the Easter Bunny coming down the chimney.

“Yep, just like Santa Claus.” “Nope, we don’t have a chimney. Daddy lets him in.” “Yes, Santa does too drink beer.” “Yes, the Easter Bunny drinks beer too.” “So does Mr. Tooth Fairy.” “Yes, Mrs. Tooth Fairy wears pink.” “No, you can’t ask for more money for one tooth”….

So, query me this Batman – why is it I can give my kids straight answers about smoking (don’t do it or I’ll kill you), drugs (nasty stuff, see previous answer), sex (got the body part talk down, got the adoption difference talk down, sort of got the ‘how the baby exits the body’ talk down), but when it comes to straight talk about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy I freeze up?

Why, in this day and age of Barbie, Strawberry Short Cake, Bob the Builder and 911 I can't I tell my kids the truth about these cultural myths? I never grew up with any of it, so should they?

So I never had any magic in my childhood. So I never worried about not having a chimney, pink outfits for the tooth fairy, and what happens if she is too busy to come over. So what?

So, I keep lying to my kids – that’s so what.

Magic is magic, after all. Who says that that there ain’t no Santa Claus. Just ask Virginia…

Love, mom.